The control freak in me is having a very hard time.  

Each morning I wake up & hope to step out of bed with a little less pain than the previous day.  That isn’t happening yet.  I will not be running the Nike Women’s Marathon this year.  My goal will not be achieved.  My hard work will not be celebrated.  The feeling of crossing the finish line will not be felt.  

How do you let go of something that you were looking so forward to?  How do you let go of something that motivated you to get out of bed before the sun came up for months on end?  How do you just let it all go???

I guess I didn’t realize how wrapped up I had become in my training and how much weight I placed on this one single goal- completing my first marathon in 2013.  I am the type of person that will try to push through struggle, sometimes at all costs.  Sometimes, pushing through is not an option.  Sometimes you have to admit what is really going on and call off the show.

Today, the doctor discovered that there was a “hot spot” on my bone scan.  My posterior tibial tendonitis is also giving me hell.  I will be wearing the boot, walking slowly, and hoping for the best.

I wish I could say that I was better at letting go and moving on.  One of the things that I think will help, is realizing that my effort is still worth celebrating… I am still worth celebrating regardless of any finish line I cross.  This is a hard one for me.

Everyone keeps telling me that there are other marathons.  Of course they are right.  But why do I still feel so devastated?  I think the scariest part of failing to meet my goal is that the negative, nagging voices that doubted me along the way, “win”.   But, this is only true if I listen.  

I think letting go is an art.  Something that I will have to practice.  Something that will take time.

And yes, there are plenty of other marathons.  There are also plenty of other times in my life when things won’t go as planned.  I will keep working on letting go.  I will keep smiling.

XO,

CS